Sofia

I must confess. I can read people’s thoughts. If you find it interesting I guess I can share with you some thoughts of one person. I noticed this young person with a rucksack on the back near the ticket-window on the Perm II when I was standing on the bus-stop.Quotation (lexic and punctuation are saved):“I’ve started to save my monthly scholarship since November. It’s my only earnings but I do not complain. This sum will be enough for a one-way ticket to the train “Perm – Anywhere-But-There”.I was right when I decided which things were necessary to take along. No diaries, no photoes, no telephone contacts, no addresses. Just face to face with my new life. Forgiving myself and others, forgetting old mistakes of mine, overcoming pressuring sensation of endless responsibility, I’m turning over a new leaf in my fate.I’ve made sure that nothing will prevent me from leaving, nobody will persuade me to stay. Because people are free in their decisions. Because nobody cares. The sum doesn’t change because of summand change. Add one person here, deduct another one there – and the result will be inchangeable. The life is not mathematics but the rules are the same. So I’m sure this place won’t suffer a lot from my absence. Perhaps, it even will feel itself better, who knows.I’ve promised myself that I won’t make no plans. It’s my new tactics. I’m fed up of desperation creeping over me everytime something goes out of my control. Certainly, it’s not a discovery – all people have their failed plans. But imagine, you believe you’re on the right way, you hope you’ll achieve the target, you put much effort into it, and it – alas and alack! – turns out to be the wrong direction from the very beginning. Okay, it’s possible starting once again. But is it sensible to try the second million time if it’s clear that people’s funny excuse about “zebra-life”, explaining their flops, doesn’t work in my case? My life is a huge dark space giving me a signal that it’s high time I stopped hating myself, because I’m unable to deal with it anymore, and dropped everything turning my meaningless existence upside down.Why am I inclined to believe that I will be more lucky somewhere else? Well, I’m starting from the very beginning and beginner’s luck!”At that moment I felt like asking him a question: “You seem to be angry of somebody…”Then I’m not sure whether he caught my idea or he just continued his thought.“Definitely. I’m angry. With myself. It’s the only feeling I can’t get rid of on the threshold of my new life.I did an effort to tell him: “I guess you’re about to make a great mistake. Are you aware of what a character of Audrey Hepburn in one old movie was told?You know, what’s wrong with you? You’re afraid to say “OK, life’s a fact”. It’s wherever you go because no matter where you run, you just stand up running into yourself.So, you cannot escape the problem if the problem is you. Does running away make sense?”I think that person was hesitating and my phrase would probably help to him to make up his mind. Whatever. He could hardly read my thoughts. But his thoughts…It seemed that all these words were imbued with familiar emotions, so they were not too difficult to me to read and understand. I wanted to tell him something else…Then the bus came.
29 April 2009 13:01